HEADLINES

London                     1. A Royal Snafu: British Queen Wrings Bird’s Neck

London                     2. British Sovereign Set to Reclaim Lost Colony

London                     3. British Troops to Serve Under German General

London                     4. A Hushed-up Naval Snafu: British Sub Came within

                                       Minutes of Nuclear Reactor Meltdown  

London                     5. A Rebuttal to Her Majesty’s “Notice of 

                                      Revocation of (American) Independence”Nov. 21, 2000

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1. A Royal Snafu: British Queen Wrings Bird’s Neck

Outrage Follows Queen Elizabeth’s Brutal Killing of a Pheasant

PHOENIX, Nov. 20 - Looks like Queen Elizabeth II [the original, not the shipJ] has caused another royal snafu in Britain after being photographed wringing the neck of a pheasant, wounded during a Royal hunt at Sandringham (one of her many estates).  We received the following (London) Sunday Mirror news clip from a TiM reader in Serbia, in reaction to our “God Save the Queen…” pieces, which ran recently mostly dealing with Australia and New Zealand topics (interesting how the Internet is shrinking the world, isn’t it?):

“This is the moment that will shock every animal-lover in Britain.

The Queen bends over a pheasant that had been shot and injured on her 20,000-acre Sandringham Estate in the name of sport - and wrings its neck. Last night her actions sparked outrage among animal rights campaigners. One said: "It's absolutely disgusting that the Queen should involve herself in something like this."

The Queen - who does not shoot - had grabbed the bird from the jaws of one of her hunting labradors after it had been shot.

The gundog had picked up the bird which had been peppered with shot and brought it to the Queen who was carrying a shepherd's crook and wearing a wax jacket and headscarf (see the photo at our web site).

Realizing the bird was still alive, she tucked her stick under arm and bent down to take it from the dog's mouth.  As she stood upright she swiftly put it out of its misery by wringing its neck with both hands.

She then handed the body to an aide who tied it up with other dead pheasants before he and the Queen drove off in a Range Rover for lunch elsewhere on the huge estate.”

For the full story, check out the Sunday Mirror web site - http://www.sundaymirror.co.uk/shtml/NEWS/P1S3.shtml.  

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2. British Sovereign Set to Reclaim Lost Colony

PHOENIX, Nov. 16 - We’ve received the following tongue-in-cheek “royal announcement” from several TiM readers, neither of which identified the original author.  So we offer it “for your smile” as an unverified, anonymous contribution, with a few slight TiM editing “enhancements:”

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE FROM THE REALM

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today (Wednesday, November 8, 2000).

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume royal duties over all U.S. states, commonwealths and other territories.  Except Utah, which she does not fancy. 

Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed it as missing.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect.  You may refer to them as the New Ten Commandments:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium".  Check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.  Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises, such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English".  We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish between the English and Australian accents.  It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen" - but only after satisfactory completion of Task 1 above.  We would not want you to get confused and give up half-way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football".  There is only one kind of football.  What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.  The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with girls.  It is a difficult game.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds, or wearing full kevlar body armor like total nannies).  We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde ("merde" is French for "s…", an English commoners’ word of which a sovereign isn’t supposed to be aware).  The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.  The Russians have never been the bad guys. 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.  November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England.  It will be called "Indecision Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned.  That’s is for your own good and protection, because they are all made like merde.  When we show you some German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Signed,

[ER II]

For The World Outside Your Borders

Namely, Britain

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TiM Ed.: Apropos the First New Commandment (Point 1 aboe), the TiM editor can further assist Her Majesty with the following anecdotes based on his personal experiences during his globe-trotting trips in using American vs. English English:

I still remember how astonished I was when I first learned that the British actually EAT the JOINTS.  Usually too well done, I have found (i.e., overcooked).  But sometimes also too rare (if from a “mad cow”).  We, Americans, of course, tend to smoke the JOINTS.  Or case them.  Or grease them…

I was also taken aback when I found out that an Englishman packs his SUITCASES into the BOOT of his car before a long MOTORWAY ride.  While we put our BOOTS into the SUITCASES, and then put them both into the TRUNK of a car - prior to heading off to an INTERSTATE or a FREEWAY.

No wonder Mr. Winston Churchill once observed that the Americans and the British "are the two peoples separated by a common language."

Well, no longer.  As you just saw, once Her Majesty’s First New Commandment has been duly implemented, the long lost colony will be reattached to the crown at the JOINT Oxford Dictionary.  With exception of the “mad cows,” of course, which Britain prefers to export to France and Germany.

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3. British Troops to Serve Under German General

LONDON, Nov. 17 - Speaking of traditional British enmities, such as that against Germany, against which the Empire fought in two world wars, you can forget about them, too, if the new Euro Force is enforced.  A German general has been picked to lead the European Union's new military arm in what appears to be a snub to the French, the London Daily Telegraph reported on Nov. 17 (http://www.telegraph.co.uk).  

Lt. Gen. Klaus Schuwirth, commander of the German army's 4th Corps in Potsdam, will become the EU's Director of Military Staff in Brussels, with the task of creating a rapid reaction force of 60,000 by 2003. A British Major-General, Graham Messervy Whiting, who heads the EU's interim military committee, is to be second in command.

Britain has agreed to commit 24,000 troops to the new force, to be drawn mostly from its Nato Rapid Reaction Force, the Telegraph said. France is expected to announce a similar number next week. Germany has offered 18,000 and Spain 6,000. The operating language will be English.

Gen. Schuwirth, a Bavarian artillery officer, is well known in diplomatic circles. His selection will not become official until confirmed by a vote of EU ministers. The rapid reaction force is to be backed by 300 aircraft and a naval force. It is to be ready for action within 60 days for deployment within a 2,500-mile radius and will be able to operate off-base for up to a year.

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TiM Ed: For additional information on this Franco-German, thinly veiled anti-NATO project, check out our Oct. 24, 2000 TiM Bulletin, “EUrosaurus in EUrassic Park” - http://www.truthinmedia.org/Bulletins2000/tim2000-10-7.html.

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4. A Hushed-up Naval Snafu: British Sub Came within Minutes of Nuclear Reactor Meltdown

LONDON, Nov. 19 - Five months after a potentially disastrous accident occurred, the British are finally getting more details about what the Royal Navy originally described as a “minor” incident.  HMS Tireless, one of Britain's nuclear submarines, came within "a few minutes" of a reactor meltdown, naval experts have told the London Sunday Times, according to a Nov. 19 story. 

The hunter-killer submarine, now awaiting repair in Gibraltar, came far closer to catastrophe than previously thought. A Royal Navy source said the incident, originally described by the Ministry of Defence (MoD) as "minor", involved a failure of the cooling system that would have led to a meltdown in the reactor.

The effects of an explosion would have been similar to those in the area surrounding the nuclear power station at Chernobyl, in what is now Ukraine, which blew up in 1986, forcing the evacuation of several thousand inhabitants.  The resulting cloud of radioactive dust could have contaminated thousands of square miles of the Mediterranean.

The incident took place on May 18, when the submarine was on exercise in the Mediterranean. It limped into Gibraltar for repairs the next day and has been there since. Disaster was averted by the vigilance of the crew and the smooth functioning of the submarine's emergency systems, according to the Times’ sources.

For the full London Times report, check out… http://www.sunday-times.co.uk/news/pages/sti/2000/11/19/stinwenws02014.html.

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5. A Rebuttal to Her Majesty’s “Notice of Revocation of (American) Independence”Nov. 21, 2000

LONDON, Nov. 21 - We received the following reply to our tongue-in-cheek (Royal) NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE (see Item 2 above) from Mr. Frank Favre, an American in Britain, written in a similarly mocking style:

“Your Majesty,

We appreciate your effort to reclaim the territory of your ancestors.

While some of us would like to think you should start with Northern Ireland, or even Bradford, the effort does not go unnoticed.

As a token, we will in fact allow the Queen to "resume" monarchial duties. I must admit that I am in the 98.85% that was unaware the Queen was alive in 1776, but in looking at her, am not surprised.  But in any event, she and the Queen Mother may resume their duties, as they appear to involve, well, nothing.  We would only ask that, as they age, they keep from stepping foot in our carparks.

As for Mr. Blair, we accept your generosity and ask that he spend the first month of his "getting to know America tour" driving through rural Texas explaining the 400% increase in gas prices.  I wouldn't bother taking any of the unarmed London policemen, or even Lennox Lewis, for that matter.  You think the Queen doesn't fancy Utah. We appreciate that we shouldn't be expecting him soon as the mere presence of rain has interrupted service of both the tube and the Gatwick express.

Now, in specific response to your proposals:

1) With regards to language, I turn to our unbiased neighbors to the north (I respectively ask that you pronounce the combined "th" sound rather than lazily using an "f") for a dictionary, namely the Random House Canadian version.  I find the word aluminum, taken from the latin alumina, pronounced ah-LOO-min-ah.  Oh wait a minute, here, at the bottom of the lengthy definition of aluminum, "also aluminium, chiefly Britain." 

Strange parallel that.  Sort of like a list of the countries in which English is spoken --United States of America, 250+million inhabitants... also Britain.  By the way, Britain includes Scotland, Sonny Jim -- we'll take the home rule option.

2) You are correct, there is no such thing as US English.  It is merely English.  Please continue to provide your version of it, as it provides us some comic relief for the 2.15% of us who have ever seen a television program produced in the UK.  As for Microsoft, they've asked you to call back when your nation's GDP comes nearer to their yearly net earnings. (TiM Ed. Microsoft is big, but not that big. Suggest you treat this sentence as the author's "poetic license").

3) We have never had a need to distinguish the Aussie and British accents. Australian is the one spoken by the taller, more athletic amongst you. The shorter, fatter, paler chain-smokers of you speak British English.  Oh, and the athletes who don't understand that the starting gun, rather than individual whim, begins the Olympic track and field events.

4) A noble thought, but I think we should start with smaller goals.  Hollywood should begin casting English actors.  How's that?  I think Roberto Benigni spoke more English in acclaimed feature films in the past year or so than all British actors combined.

5) My country 'tis of thee.

    Sweet land of liberty.

    Of thee I sing.

    Land where my fathers died.

    Land of the pilgrims pride.

    From every mountainside.

    Let freedom ring.

It should be noted that I personally sang this version in an English pub LAST SATURDAY during a Remembrance Day celebration.  Not a soul noticed the difference.  But then the Queen Mum was pissed out of her gourd.

6) We invite David Beckham, Darren Anderton, Alan Shearer and all the rest to come on over and sample a version of our football.  We'll give them twice the normal padding and, to help make things more even, we'll have the American team adopt a Swedish coach for the match.

As for rugby, we thoroughly enjoy the sport. I hazard to guess whether too many of them would survive a full season playing American football, but I'll tell you one thing -- their salaries would increase tenfold.  But then that happens to any Englishman who moves to America.  It's called work ethic.

7) No comment on the French.  We kicked them out of our country approximately the same time as you.  (ed. note: a few of us snuck back in).  J

8) Agreed.  November 8 should be called Indecisive Day in England, as that was the day your Chancellor appeared to have written his speech giving in to the special interests and forsaking the environment. It should be noted that November 7 was the day of our election.  We might also make a recommendation that England celebrate December 7 as the "Day it Was Decided We Wouldn't Be Speaking German."

9) You shouldn't be making love to English women. It is for your own good. We will show you American women and you will know what we mean.

10) Please tell us why:

     a) public schools are called private schools

     b) West Ham is in East London

     c) you insist on pronouncing derby and clerk with an "a."

While you're at it -- tell me again what happened to your empire?

Thank you."

Frank Favre, London, England

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6. A Rebuttal of the Rebuttal to Her Majesty’s “Notice of Revocation of (American) Independence”Nov. 22, 2000

LONDON, Nov. 22 - We received the following comment from Tom Carmichael, a TiM reader from the United Kingdom:

"Truth In Media has always had a high caliber of contributor. Most of the information has been informative and intellectually mature. The recent articles on the Queen, and in particular the Queen Mother, has gone down to a level that can only be described as toilet humor.

If I want to read a cheap imitation of 'Private Eye,' I can go to the news stand. PLEASE keep the garbage off your site it will only destroy a good reputation which you have worked so hard to earn. Regards,"

Tom Carmichael, United Kingdom

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7. Another Tongue-in-Cheek RebuttalNov. 22, 2000

DERBYSHIRE, Nov. 22 - We received the following comment from Michael Shuttleworth, another TiM reader from the United Kingdom:

"Bob, What a shame! British and Americans are not only separated by the same language, but also by a sense of humor. In spite of living here, Mr. Favre, in common with so many of his countrymen, does not understand our little ways, and quite obviously does not appreciate that visitors who insult the Queen get put in the Tower of London."

Michael Shuttleworth, Derbyshire, England

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8. An Aussie Also Steps Forward to Defend the QueenNov. 22, 2000

NEWCOMB, Victoria, Australia, Nov. 22 - We received the following comment from Andrew MacGregor, a TiM reader from the state of Victoria in Australia:

"I seemed to have noticed a bit of ragging of the Royal family lately from this site, so I thought I might give you some food for thought. Mind you being a 'bloody Australian,' I might get a few small facts wrong, but I'm certain you will understand the gist of things.

You've had a go at the British Royal Family. Well, really they're English, but even then, they stand up better than some of your leaders. 

I understand it was an Irish complaint that had James the Pretender had the courage of his adversary William of Orange who lead his troops into battle, and was prepared to put his life on the line for the crown he was wearing, then the Battle of the Boyne may have ended differently. James stayed in the background and was one of the first to flee.

If I remember correctly, the Duke of Kent during the Battle of Britain was a Spitfire pilot, even though he was a hemophiliac. He bled to death when his spitfire crashed. 

I seem to remember that Prince Andrew was a helicopter pilot during the Fauklands dispute, and he served his duties with the rest of his troops. 

Now can you name any members of your first families that were prepared to get stuck in when the going got tough? Thank you. What did your Presidents do as young men when their country was at war? Thank Christ for John F Kennedy.

You've had a go at the Queen Mother. I seem to remember that she and her husband stuck it out in London during the Blitz. She is now 100 years old, and has enjoyed a Gin and Tonic. Well done old girl, for setting an example to others in how to enjoy your old age. As for this old lady being useless, I would rather compare her with an American Icon of the same era, Mrs. Eleanor Roosevelt. Both ladies showed decorum and proper standards to the rest of their countryfolk. What First Ladies are doing that today?

Now you've also had a go at us for being a monarchy which is supposedly inferior to your republic. You've got to be joking! Do you know who rules your country? The President! No that's the person who you supposedly vote into office. But who is the person that dictates to your President how he will run the country? Oh, you don't know that one? That's alright, we don't know either, but it's not the Queen, or in Australia, the Governor General Sir Willian Deane, that's for certain. The President, the Queen, the Governor General, the Prime Minister are all a bunch of puppets playing out a pantomime to keep our minds off the real agenda.

Someone might be silly enough to have a go at Australia and New Zealand as being run by such an insignificant country like Britain.  But then if you look at the United States of America, it is noticeable that every time Israel says 'jump' your President says 'How High?"

The truth of the matter is, both monarchies and republics in their true form give freedom and democracy to their citizens. However both systems are open to corruption, and that corruption has become so entrenched within both systems that we now have absolute corruption in both systems.

That corruption has emanated from the Public Service, those servants who are supposed to follow the will of the people. These bureaucrats have deferred this station and are now setting their own agendas. History tells us about these disciples of Mammon, from the book of Genesis chapter 40 about Joseph in Egypt, to the present day 'Yes Minister' the British comedy series about their parliament.

In America today you are now witnessing your future President, and his adversary prostituting themselves in an all out effort to obtain that ultimate glory, a seat in the White House. By fair means or foul, by hook or by crook, regardless of the cost to your country, these two mere men are eroding the last threads of a free country. I guess they have forgotten John's (F. Kennedy's) speech about, "Think not of what your country can do for you, but rather what you can do for your country."

For their indiscretions, we will all suffer."

Andrew S. MacGregor, Victoria, Australia

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