FROM PHOENIX, ARIZONAEUROPEAN AFFAIRS
A Royal Snafu: British Queen Wrings Bird’s Neck
British Sovereign Set to Reclaim Lost Colony
British Troops to Serve Under German General
A Hushed-up Naval Snafu: British Sub Came within
Minutes of Nuclear Reactor Meltdown
London 5. A Rebuttal to Her Majesty’s “Notice of
Revocation of (American) Independence”Nov. 21, 2000
1. A Royal Snafu: British Queen Wrings Bird’s Neck
Follows Queen Elizabeth’s Brutal Killing of a Pheasant
PHOENIX, Nov. 20 - Looks like Queen Elizabeth II [the original, not the shipJ] has caused another royal snafu in Britain after being photographed wringing the neck of a pheasant, wounded during a Royal hunt at Sandringham (one of her many estates). We received the following (London) Sunday Mirror news clip from a TiM reader in Serbia, in reaction to our “God Save the Queen…” pieces, which ran recently mostly dealing with Australia and New Zealand topics (interesting how the Internet is shrinking the world, isn’t it?):
“This is the moment that
will shock every animal-lover in Britain.
Queen bends over a pheasant that had been shot and injured on her
20,000-acre Sandringham Estate in the name of sport - and wrings its neck.
Last night her actions sparked outrage among animal rights campaigners.
One said: "It's absolutely disgusting that the Queen should involve
herself in something like this."
Queen - who does not shoot - had grabbed the bird from the jaws of one of
her hunting labradors after it had been shot.
gundog had picked up the bird which had been peppered with shot and
brought it to the Queen who was carrying a shepherd's crook and wearing a
wax jacket and headscarf (see the photo at our web site).
the bird was still alive, she tucked her stick under arm and bent down to
take it from the dog's mouth. As
she stood upright she swiftly put it out of its misery by wringing its
neck with both hands.
handed the body to an aide who tied it up with other dead pheasants before
he and the Queen drove off in a Range Rover for lunch elsewhere on the
For the full story, check out the Sunday Mirror web site -
British Sovereign Set to Reclaim Lost Colony
PHOENIX, Nov. 16 - We’ve received the following tongue-in-cheek “royal announcement” from several TiM readers, neither of which identified the original author. So we offer it “for your smile” as an unverified, anonymous contribution, with a few slight TiM editing “enhancements:”
OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE FROM THE REALM
citizens of the United States of America,
of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today (Wednesday, November 8, 2000).
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume royal duties over all
U.S. states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have
until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will
appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed it as missing.
in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect. You
may refer to them as the New Ten Commandments:
should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check
the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words
interspersed with filler noises, such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look
There is no such thing as "US English".
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
should learn to distinguish between the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good
should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen" - but only after satisfactory completion of Task 1 above.
We would not want you to get confused and give up half-way through.
should stop playing American "football".
There is only one kind of football.
What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you
who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed
that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer
be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially,
it would be best if you played with girls.
It is a difficult game. Those
of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every 20 seconds, or wearing full kevlar body armor like total
nannies). We are hoping to
get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they
give you any merde ("merde" is French for
"s…", an English commoners’ word of which a sovereign
isn’t supposed to be aware). The
97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your
borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys.
4th is no longer a public holiday. November
8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England.
It will be called "Indecision Day".
American cars are hereby banned. That’s
is for your own good and protection, because they are all made like merde.
When we show you some German cars, you will understand what we
Please tell us who killed JFK. It's
been driving us crazy.
you for your co-operation.
World Outside Your Borders
TiM Ed.: Apropos the First New Commandment (Point 1 aboe), the TiM editor can further assist Her Majesty with the following anecdotes based on his personal experiences during his globe-trotting trips in using American vs. English English:
remember how astonished I was when I first learned that the British
actually EAT the JOINTS. Usually
too well done, I have found (i.e., overcooked).
But sometimes also too rare (if from a “mad cow”). We,
Americans, of course, tend to smoke the JOINTS.
Or case them. Or
also taken aback when I found out that an Englishman packs his SUITCASES
into the BOOT of his car before a long MOTORWAY ride.
While we put our BOOTS into the SUITCASES, and then put them both
into the TRUNK of a car - prior to heading off to an INTERSTATE or a
wonder Mr. Winston Churchill once observed that the Americans and the
British "are the two peoples separated by a common language."
Well, no longer. As you just saw, once Her Majesty’s First New Commandment has been duly implemented, the long lost colony will be reattached to the crown at the JOINT Oxford Dictionary. With exception of the “mad cows,” of course, which Britain prefers to export to France and Germany.
British Troops to Serve Under German General
LONDON, Nov. 17 - Speaking of traditional British
enmities, such as that against Germany, against which the Empire fought in
two world wars, you can forget about them, too, if the new Euro Force is
German general has been picked to lead the European Union's new military
arm in what appears to be a snub to the French, the London Daily Telegraph
reported on Nov. 17 (http://www.telegraph.co.uk).
Lt. Gen. Klaus
Schuwirth, commander of the German army's 4th Corps in Potsdam, will
become the EU's Director of Military Staff in Brussels, with the task of
creating a rapid reaction force of 60,000 by 2003. A British
Major-General, Graham Messervy Whiting, who heads the EU's interim
military committee, is to be second in command.
Britain has agreed
to commit 24,000 troops to the new force, to be drawn mostly from its Nato
Rapid Reaction Force, the Telegraph said. France is expected to announce a
similar number next week. Germany has offered 18,000 and Spain 6,000. The
operating language will be English.
Gen. Schuwirth, a Bavarian artillery officer, is well
known in diplomatic circles. His selection will not become official until
confirmed by a vote of EU ministers. The rapid reaction force is to be
backed by 300 aircraft and a naval force. It is to be ready for action
within 60 days for deployment within a 2,500-mile radius and will be able
to operate off-base for up to a year.
TiM Ed: For additional information on this Franco-German,
thinly veiled anti-NATO project, check out our Oct. 24, 2000 TiM Bulletin,
“EUrosaurus in EUrassic Park” - http://www.truthinmedia.org/Bulletins2000/tim2000-10-7.html.
A Hushed-up Naval Snafu: British Sub Came within Minutes of Nuclear
LONDON, Nov. 19 - Five months after a potentially
disastrous accident occurred, the British are finally getting more details
about what the Royal Navy originally described as a “minor” incident. HMS Tireless, one of
Britain's nuclear submarines, came within "a few minutes" of a
reactor meltdown, naval experts have told the London Sunday Times,
according to a Nov. 19 story.
submarine, now awaiting repair in Gibraltar, came far closer to
catastrophe than previously thought.
A Royal Navy source said
the incident, originally described by the Ministry of Defence (MoD) as
"minor", involved a failure of the cooling system that would
have led to a meltdown in the reactor.
The effects of an
explosion would have been similar to those in the area surrounding the
nuclear power station at Chernobyl, in what is now Ukraine, which blew up
in 1986, forcing the evacuation of several thousand inhabitants. The resulting cloud of radioactive dust could have contaminated
thousands of square miles of the Mediterranean.
The incident took
place on May 18, when the submarine was on exercise in the Mediterranean.
It limped into Gibraltar for repairs the next day and has been there
was averted by the vigilance of the crew and the smooth functioning of the
submarine's emergency systems, according to the Times’ sources.
For the full London Times report, check out… http://www.sunday-times.co.uk/news/pages/sti/2000/11/19/stinwenws02014.html.
A Rebuttal to Her Majesty’s “Notice of Revocation of (American)
LONDON, Nov. 21 - We received the following reply to our tongue-in-cheek (Royal) NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE (see Item 2 above) from Mr. Frank Favre, an American in Britain, written in a similarly mocking style:
appreciate your effort to reclaim the territory of your ancestors.
some of us would like to think you should start with Northern Ireland, or
even Bradford, the effort does not go unnoticed.
token, we will in fact allow the Queen to "resume" monarchial
duties. I must admit that I am in the 98.85% that was unaware the Queen
was alive in 1776, but in looking at her, am not surprised.
But in any event, she and the Queen Mother may resume their duties,
as they appear to involve, well, nothing.
We would only ask that, as they age, they keep from stepping foot
in our carparks.
Mr. Blair, we accept your generosity and ask that he spend the first month
of his "getting to know America tour" driving through rural
Texas explaining the 400% increase in gas prices.
I wouldn't bother taking any of the unarmed London policemen, or
even Lennox Lewis, for that matter. You
think the Queen doesn't fancy Utah. We appreciate that we shouldn't be
expecting him soon as the mere presence of rain has interrupted service of
both the tube and the Gatwick express.
specific response to your proposals:
regards to language, I turn to our unbiased neighbors to the north (I
respectively ask that you pronounce the combined "th" sound
rather than lazily using an "f") for a dictionary, namely the
Random House Canadian version. I
find the word aluminum, taken from the latin alumina, pronounced ah-LOO-min-ah.
Oh wait a minute, here, at the bottom of the lengthy definition of
aluminum, "also aluminium, chiefly Britain."
parallel that. Sort of like a
list of the countries in which English is spoken --United States of
America, 250+million inhabitants... also Britain.
By the way, Britain includes Scotland, Sonny Jim -- we'll take the
home rule option.
are correct, there is no such thing as US English.
It is merely English. Please
continue to provide your version of it, as it provides us some comic
relief for the 2.15% of us who have ever seen a television program
produced in the UK. As for
Microsoft, they've asked you to call back when your nation's GDP comes
nearer to their yearly net earnings. (TiM Ed.
Microsoft is big, but not that big. Suggest you treat this sentence as the
author's "poetic license").
have never had a need to distinguish the Aussie and British accents.
Australian is the one spoken by the taller, more athletic amongst you. The
shorter, fatter, paler chain-smokers of you speak British English.
Oh, and the athletes who don't understand that the starting gun,
rather than individual whim, begins the Olympic track and field events.
noble thought, but I think we should start with smaller goals.
Hollywood should begin casting English actors. How's that? I
think Roberto Benigni spoke more English in acclaimed feature films in the
past year or so than all British actors combined.
country 'tis of thee.
Sweet land of liberty.
Of thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died.
Land of the pilgrims pride.
From every mountainside.
Let freedom ring.
should be noted that I personally sang this version in an English pub LAST
SATURDAY during a Remembrance Day celebration.
Not a soul noticed the difference.
But then the Queen Mum was pissed out of her gourd.
invite David Beckham, Darren Anderton, Alan Shearer and all the rest to
come on over and sample a version of our football.
We'll give them twice the normal padding and, to help make things
more even, we'll have the American team adopt a Swedish coach for the
rugby, we thoroughly enjoy the sport. I hazard to guess whether too many
of them would survive a full season playing American football, but I'll
tell you one thing -- their salaries would increase tenfold.
But then that happens to any Englishman who moves to America.
It's called work ethic.
comment on the French. We
kicked them out of our country approximately the same time as you.
(ed. note: a few of us snuck back in).
Agreed. November 8 should be
called Indecisive Day in England, as that was the day your Chancellor
appeared to have written his speech giving in to the special interests and
forsaking the environment. It should be noted that November 7 was the day
of our election. We might
also make a recommendation that England celebrate December 7 as the
"Day it Was Decided We Wouldn't Be Speaking German."
shouldn't be making love to English women. It is for your own good. We
will show you American women and you will know what we mean.
Please tell us why:
a) public schools are called private schools
b) West Ham is in East London
c) you insist on pronouncing derby and clerk with an "a."
you're at it -- tell me again what happened to your empire?
Favre, London, England
A Rebuttal of the Rebuttal to Her Majesty’s “Notice of Revocation of (American)
LONDON, Nov. 22 - We received the following comment from Tom Carmichael, a TiM reader from the United Kingdom:
information has been informative and intellectually mature. The recent articles on the Queen, and in particular the Queen Mother, has gone down to a level that can only be described as toilet humor.
If I want to read a cheap imitation of 'Private Eye,' I can go to the newsstand. PLEASE keep the garbage off your site it will only destroy a good reputation which you have worked so hard to earn. Regards,"
Tom Carmichael, United Kingdom
Another Tongue-in-Cheek RebuttalNov.
DERBYSHIRE, Nov. 22 - We received the following comment from Michael Shuttleworth, another TiM reader from the United Kingdom:
An Aussie Also Steps Forward to Defend the QueenNov.
NEWCOMB, Victoria, Australia, Nov. 22 - We received the following comment from Andrew MacGregor, a TiM reader from the state of Victoria in Australia:
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